Hey, do you know that guy? I’m sure you do. He’s the one at the Q&A session who isn’t totally sure what the letters mean. Honestly, I am a bit shocked at his ignorance, given his wide-ranging authority on other subjects. There is no other topic on which he isn’t something of an expert. But he probably just never thought to ask.

That guy shows up to so many events that it’s really quite impressive. Film screenings, lecture series, artist talks — I always see him. Or rather, I always hear him. In fact, I hear a lot more of him than I ever thought possible. Sometimes, he even shows up at the same event multiple times.

I can admire the audacity, even as I feel my own opportunity to ask a question slip from my grasp like my soda did a few minutes ago. If I hadn’t already spilled it, I’d pour it on his head. So would the other five people who would’ve had time to ask their questions.

(He’s not always a guy, but he usually is.)

Sometimes, he will begin with a compliment. And that’s nice of him. I’m sure filmmakers and experts and artists appreciate when people tell them their work is good. But how does he manage to make praise sound so annoying? Maybe the anticipation is what ruins things. I know from years of experience that it’s never just praise. The kind word always precedes his own explanation of the thing we all just witnessed thirty seconds ago. And it’s not even a good explanation. It’s like he’s forcing all of us to read the simple.wikipedia version of whatever just blew our collective minds.

I’ve developed something of a defense mechanism against that guy. When I hear him start to speak, I look up at the ceiling and imagine a bird has somehow gotten into the building and is flapping around up there. Worrying about the bird helps me ignore how slowly time is passing.

But as with most social problems, a single individual’s coping behavior is not enough. Collective action is needed. I dream that one day, with enough organizing, audiences everwhere will be prepared to rise up together when that man opens his mouth and, with one voice, tell him: “Kindly shut the fuck up.”